Chinese High School Graduates Parade In Bikinis To Be A Model Or Flight Attendant

More Than 1,000 Recent High School Graduates From China Paraded Around In Bikinis and Flight Attendant Uniforms To Compete For a Modeling Contract or a Job With An Airline.

You know what really grinds my gears? Well, yes, that too, but that's a different story for a different blank page. Political correctness gone wild in America! I'll briefly expand on that in a few minutes, but first I'm going to get back to the subject at hand: female Chinese high school graduates strutting their stuff(s) in bikinis in an attempt to land a job.

A Chinese modeling school named Oriental Beauty does their local communities a wonderful service. They allow and encourage their handsomest females to parade around in front of an audience full of representatives from other modelling schools and airline training schools. It's sort of like a job fair. Who in their right mind gets offended by job fairs? In this day and age, I'm sure there are plenty of people who are. In China the "air hostess" world is a tough nut to crack. You have to want it. You have to be willing to go down with the ship... the airship that is. You have to be between 5'5" and 5'6" inches tall! One inch is must amount to a lot in China. 

When I read the article about this "job fair" on the U.K.'s pride and joy of Internet destinations, the Daily Mail, I was expecting it to be written by a woman who gets her gears ground by just about everything... especially women being "exploited" or being looked at and judged based on their looks. But, that was not the case. The person responsible for writing the article is Qin Xie. I don't know if Qin Xie is a male or a female's name. And that in and of itself is enough to get a "politically correct" Crankosauras Bex to get the claws swinging and the dinosaur lips flapping and spitting.

America needs to lighten up, big time. The British, the Chinese, the Russians, and just about every other country you care to think of has no problem with women trying to get a job. And you, my fellow American, should have no problem saying "Merry Christmas" in your country which contains a population that is predominantly lovers of X-Mas. You see what I did there? I shortened "Christmas" to "X-Mas"; did you know that there are people who get offended by that? There are, I'm not even kidding. Go ahead and look it up at your earliest convenience if you don't like me and, therefore, refuse to take my word for it.

So, on behalf of myself and others like me, I just want to say "thanks for not getting your panties or boxer shorts in a bunch, Qin Xie from dailymail.com

via: dailymail.co.uk

You can follow the link and look at the pictures and videos of the action if you want. I refuse to post smut pictures with my little story. 

"I'm 5'7", but please don't tell anybody. I really like my job."

 

Females Pay More For Their Products In New York City

photo by Viktor Hanacek

Our good friends at the New York City Department of Consumer Affairs have taken the time to check out the prices of 794 consumer products in the Big Apple. They should've taken the extra time to find the prices of an even 800 products, but I guess it shows what kind of operation they are running there. What they have learned from their little expedition is that women pay more for products such as razors and shampoo.

The similar items they studied lead them to conclude that women pay more for their products 42 percent of the time, while men pay a higher price only 18 percent of the time. What is 42 minus 18? It's 24. So, what does it all mean? Please, you tell me.

One example that is given (and worthy of being pointed out) is that women are paying more for their fancy razors than men are paying for their souped-up 15-blade razors. Isn't that something? Those in the razor industry claim that the reason for this is that men buy razors more often, so it evens out and both genders end up paying about the same for their shaving action on a yearly basis.

According to the report by the New York City Department of Consumer Affairs, the biggest price difference between men's and women's products happens in the shampoo aisle. Men pay on average $5.68 for a bottle of hair cleaning liquid while the fairer sex pays $8.39 per bottle. I've known some women to be very picky when it comes to what they use when it comes to washing their locks... I'm just throwing that out there.

And, so, here's my conclusion -- and the only voice of reason in this world: Women can bargain shop and pay less for their products, so therefore, there is a simple reason why women are paying more for items. Women think that the more expensive an item is, the better the quality. It's really that simple. And women usually want to feel like they are getting the best that they possibly can. You can blame Disney (and others) for that. I call it the "Princess-Syndrome." "Princess" is a word that is thrown around way too much (by mother's, especially) and girls grow up thinking that they need to be treated a special way and given certain things. 

NYC Dept. of Consumer Affairs, you are welcome for the answer that I provided to you free of charge. If you have any other questions, feel free to contact me.

Alcohol Related Deaths at a 35-Year High

A lot of people do very stupid things whilst drunk, which leads to injury and death; even the act itself of drinking is killing drunkards.

According to the CDC, in 2014 more people died from alcohol-related causes (30,722) than people who died because of heroin and prescription painkiller overdoses combined (28,647). So, remember those stats the next time you are getting high and mighty with a drink in your hand and talking trash about "pill poppers" and "junkies." 

What's more is that if you include deaths from drunk driving, random accidents, and murders caused by people who are under the influence of alcohol, that number raises to 90,000. And yet, heroin and pill use (without a prescription, of course) is illegal and drinking is perfectly legal, accepted, and celebrated... and it's all because of the almighty dollar. As everybody knows, alcoholic beverages have ruined more families and caused more physical and mental abuse towards family members and friends than any other substance on our sexy and fun-loving planet.

Japan Goes With "Hamburger" Design For Tokyo Olympics

Japan's Prime Minister's Cabinet Goes With "Hamburger" Design for Tokyo Olympics

 The Tokyo Olympics in 2020 will be held in the yet-to-be-built "Hamburger" Stadium. The Japanese Prime Minister, Shinzo Abe, put his cabinet in charge of selecting the design that is to be used for the 2020 summer games. I agree with the cabinet's choice of stadium design... you should see what design the kitchen sink selected; it was terrible.

"Hamburger" Stadium is designed to hold 80,000 spectators and consists of three tiers. The stadium is expected to be finished in November of 2019 and will cost Japan at least $1.2 billion, which is the expected budget. Of course, projects like this never stay within the budgeted amount. Governments just don't know how to use money correctly. I'm expecting the stadium to cost $2.2 billion.

Former NFL Running Back Clinton Portis Is $5 Million In Debt

Former Redskins and Broncos Running Back Clinton Portis Is In Debt

And one of the people who Clinton Portis is listed as owing money to is his mommy, whom he reportedly owes $500,000. It just goes to show that no matter how many horror stories NFL players hear about former players going broke after making millions of dollars, many of them think it can't happen to them and they end up bankrupt. Clinton Portis made over $43 million during his career, but now has less than $200 in his bank account. Don't you feel sorry for him and other former millionaire athletes?

Portis owes the MGM Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas $287,178, four different women nearly half a million bucks for spousal support, and the IRS $390,000. He is claiming that he doesn't owe the IRS that kind of scratch. If it's true, then he is saying that he doesn't care about his fellow Americans and is taking money out of our country's coffers. Great, Mr. Portis, now how are they going to fix those potholes on the face of our nation?

"I SHOULD CUT MY CREDIT CARD IN HALF. NAH! LET'S PARTY!"

Here Are Some Facts In Video Form -- Wisen Up

It has been a minute or two since I've posted anything on here, so, whatever. Learning is fun.

Poor People In America Smoke More Cigarettes Than Others

Stats are a wonderful thing; they always tell us how it is with no room for argument or worthless opinions. Stats are just like Jennifer Lopez's hips... they don't lie. The numbers are in, thanks to the CDC, and the biggest conclusion that can be drawn from the data collected is: poor people in America smoke more cigarettes than others.

The CDC didn't break down the number of people who smoke by income levels, but the following graphs show proof that poor people in America make up the majority of smokers.

You see how I deduced what I deduced? If you do, congratulations. 57 percent of American people who smoke cigarettes either have no health insurance or they are on Medicaid. If you have no health insurance or you're on Medicaid, you're poor. And, education is also a good indicator of wealth. Poor people don't bother graduating high school because they decide at an early age that their life isn't such a wonderful thing. And, if you don't value life very highly, you're less likely to take care of your health. 

While it is a key fact that poor people smoke more cigarettes than other Americans, another important statistic to mention is that Americans are smoking at a lower rate than ever. In 1965, 42.5 percent of American adults smoked cigarettes. In 2014, only 16.8 percent of adults in the good ole U.S. of A smoked right-handed cigarettes.

So, there it is and there you will continue to have it and keep it for as long as you wish.

via: The Washington Post 
and CDC

Kickstarter Crowdfunding For Mystery Science Theater 3000:

The creator and host of Mystery Science Theater 3000, Joel Hodgson, has turned to cyber begging, I mean, crowdfunding, to create new episodes of his cult classic TV show. 

MST3K first aired on a local television channel on Thanksgiving Day 1988 in Minneapolis. The television show was cancelled in 1999 after 197 episodes and a feature film.

With 29 days left of the Mystery Science Theater 3000 Kickstarter crowdfunding campaign, Mr. Hodgson has received pledges totaling nearly $1.5 million out of the $2 million goal.

The show is very popular and has many fans, myself included, that would like to see the show return with some new material. At this point it seems very likely that it will happen.

Mystery Science Theater 3000 Kickstarter Page   

Police Looking For Twerkers For Sexually Assaulting Man

I can hear John Walsh from America's Most Wanted now: "These two sexual deviants need to be taken off the streets now before they claim another victim, and we need your help."

Two women, who obviously never had a father when they were growing up, are wanted for twerking upon a man against his will and for grabbing his genitals in a convenience store. Police are currently looking for the twerkers in the Washington, D.C. area.

If you recognize these two sexual predators, please call the D.C. police at (202)727-9099. These women need to be arrested and put on the sexual predators website immediately.

via: HUFFINGTON POST

 

Vivica A. Fox Implies That 50 Cent Is Gay

While Vivica A. Fox was on a television show (I can't remember the name of the awful talk show) when she implied that 50 Cent is gay. 50 Cent was the subject of the conversation because of his claims that the ratings for the TV show Empire were declining due to the gay subject matter during recent episodes. I don't know. I don't watch terrible TV shows like that, so I don't know what kind of homosexual activities are going on there.

For years I have been saying that 50 Cent is gay (not that there's anything wrong with that), but people just assume I'm saying it because he's a crap rapper. But, I say he is gay because he appears to be gay. Again, not that like there is anything wrong with that. So, I think that if "Three Dimes and a Nickel" likes laying down with men, he should just come out of the closet and stop fighting it.

 

American Pharoah Retired In Style

After becoming the first horse ever to win the "Grand Slam" of American horse racing, American Pharoah has retired in style to his plush new homestead. The greatest racing horse of all time is such a celebrity that when he was brought to his new home in Kentucky he was given a police escort. American Pharoah was born and raised in Kentucky, so he is feeling right at home, no doubt.

American Pharoah will continue to earn big money when he is "put out to stud" in Spring, 2016. Ahmed Zayat, American Pharoah's owner, sold the breeding rights of the horse to Coolmore Stud Farm, an Ireland-based company that has farms throughout the world. The owner of Coolmore Stud Farms said that there is a waiting list of mares that want to do the hanky-panky with the champion. And, for each female that he bangs, he will earn $200,000. It is estimated that American Pharoah will do his thing with 100 mares in just his first year alone. That is a lot of money waiting to be had. Do the math, Mr. Wizard. Nevermind, I'll do it for you... it's $20 million! Cha-ching! American Pharoah earned $8,288,800 for running on the ovals in 2015. It appears that the horse's retirement income will exceed his career earnings by a wide margin.

After American Pharoah came in second place in the Travers Stakes at my hometown racetrack in Saratoga, New York, I spoke to the clearly upset thoroughbred. 

Me: After leading the race from the wire, Frosted came up to challenge you around the third turn. But you pulled ahead of him and retook the lead. Did you have any idea that Keen Ice was coming up on the outside so fast on the backstretch.

American Pharoah: No, I had no idea. I thought I was going to win and beat the curse at "the Graveyard of Champions," but it looks like it got me, too.

Me: It appears that Frosted made you pick up your pace sooner than you wanted to, and that is what made it possible for Keen Ice to make that great sprint finish and pass you just a few lengths from the finish.

American Pharoah: Perhaps I should've maintained my pace and waited to see if Frosted would maybe lose steam and start falling back. But, I didn't. I made a mistake. I'm only a horse. I'm not perfect. I put my shoes on one hoof at a time.
 



 

"Scarface" Mansion Sold For Less Than It Cost the Owner

The Scarface mansion has been sold, and it went for less than what it cost the owner to obtain the property in 2008.

The Russian financier Sergey Grishin paid $20 million for the property and put it on the market for $35 million last May. Perhaps he was thinking that he could overprice the estate and that a dumb rapper with more money than brains would pay the absurd asking price. He was wrong. Mr. Grishin lowered the price of the Scarface mansion to $17.9 million shortly thereafter, but still, there were no takers. 

When the property finally did sell recently, for $12.26 million, the Russian financier took a loss of $7.74 million based on what he paid for the mansion. Hopefully, for his sake, he got a million dollars worth of use out of the property for every year that he owned the place. And that isn't taking into account the fact that $20 million in 2008 was worth a lot more than it is today. It is a wonderful coincidence that Sergey Grishin bought the mansion in 2008, the year the housing bubble burst.

And, in case you're wondering, "El Fureidis" means "little paradise" or "tropical paradise," depending on what Google page you ask.

350 Languages Are Spoken In USA

Have you ever asked someone where they are from or what language they are speaking, only to have them shoot you a dirty look before giving you a snotty answer? Doesn't that grind your gears? It does mine. Now, when a Euro tourist dork or whomever responds with something like, "Psh, why you don't know what language it is? You Americans know nothing," you can answer back: "There are over 350 languages spoken in the USA and you expect me to know every single language in the world?" And then you can slap them in the face (or punch them) because we're American, and that's what we do. 

 

Excluded Man Assaults Woman At Monopoly Tournament

Some 69-year-old men don't have much to look forward to, so when you deny them the opportunity to partake in one of their favorite activities, they're going to get angry; and perhaps they will get physical... you never know.

John "the Monopoly Menace" Litton was informed ahead of time (via telephone) that he wasn't welcome at this year's Ozark Mountain Monopoly Tournament because of his verbal assault of other players at last year's tournament. Not many specifics were given about his brashness during the previous tournament, but the tournament's spokesman, Cy Bortner, broke it down like this for Huffington Post.
 "I'm using a hypothetical example, but say I ask you to sell Ventnor Avenue and when you don't, I call you a dumbass."

Most people would agree that that is some pretty jerky behavior for a Monopoly tournament. Mr. Litton was booted from last year's games and given a refund because of his rude behavior.

When "the Monopoly Menace" arrived Saturday at this year's tournament, he was told to take a hike, but he wasn't leaving without first obtaining some excitement in his life. The tournament spokesman claims that Mr. Litton punched one of the women he played against last year and made a threatening throat-slitting gesture towards another. To top it all off, he "pawed at" the spokesman's chest. I'm not exactly sure what being "pawed at" means, but it sounds fun. It almost sounds as fun as "heavy petting."

The next time you're in Missouri, don't accept any invites to play any board games. If you do, you may be putting yourself in danger of being called a "dumbass," or even worse, getting "pawed at."

Cleaners In An Italian Museum Accidentally Throw Out Art Exhibit

Who likes art installations? I do, too! We should be friends. But that's beside the point. Cleaners in an Italian Museum (Museion Modern Art Gallery) accidentally tossed an art exhibit into recycling bins after mistaking the installation as remnants from a party. That would've been one interesting party by the looks of the evidence left behind. Well, had it been an actual party. Party like it's 1999, anyone?

The exhibit is named "We were going to dance tonight" and it is a commentary on the debauched lifestyle of the Italian politicos that rock and rolled during the 1980s. Goldschmied and Chiari are the Milanese artists who are responsible for the exhibit. I'm sure they weren't amused when they found out what happened to their art action. It's not good to throw out an art exhibit, because then people will start to wonder what is art, and if they have to ask, they will never know.

"We were going to dance tonight," until everybody started acting like a douche bag. We just went to an after party and drank some more. Everybody got wasted. You should've been there.

 

Deli Owner Goes On Racist Tirade On Facebook Over One-Star Rating

AJ's Gourmet Deli Owner Goes on Racist Tirade Over One-Star Review 

 

 AJ's Gourmet Deli doesn't like getting one-star ratings, even if he might deserve them. In fact, he hates them so much he is willing and able to go on Facebook and break out the racist bombs.

Jesse Lopez-Gonzalez, who is a Nampa, Idaho resident and Facebook user, gave AJ's Gourmet Deli a one-star rating in the "customer service" section during an online review of the food joint. 

It all started one fine day when Mr. Lopez-Gonalez went into AJ's Gourmet Deli and saw a sandwich he wanted to put into his face and stomach -- so he ordered it. He wanted to take the sandwich with him, at first, but when he realized the deal was for dine-in only, he asked if he could eat it there. I'm going to guess he decided to eat it there so he could get it at a lower price. But, the employee said that it was already in the box, so he would have to pay, take the sandwich, and then leave. What he did after that would be his business.

That prompted the befuddled customer to go online and review the deli, and when he did, he gave the deli a one-star rating in the "customer service" department. The owner of AJ's apparently tracked him down on the Facebook and let him know what was on his mind. Perhaps the owner of the deli has an anger problem; he should get medicine and/or help for that.

via: Idaho Press 

The Countries Whose Workers Work The Most Hours Yearly

For your enjoyment, here is a horizontal graph chart that shows the countries whose workers put in the most hours on the job yearly

The hard-working folks of Mexico put in the most hours per year on average clocking in at 2,237 hours per year; that equals out to 43.02 hours per week. It's a good thing I have an alien made abacus that knows all about hundredths places. Number twelve on the list, the U.S. of A., has an average work year of 1,788 hours, or 34.4 hours per week.

statista

Man Burglarized House, Then Got In Bed Naked With Homeowner

If you believe what the Portland Police Bureau says, then Richard Dean Defeudis (32) burglarized a home in Portland on Thursday in the wee hours of the morning. 

OK, nothing strange about a man burglarizing somebody's homestead -- it happens often enough. But Mr. Defeudis is not a man who conforms to society's norms, good or bad. This man takes it up a notch no matter what he's doing. And on this particular Thursday morning, he decided it was about time that things got strange.

After going through the house collecting valuable items, "R.D." Defeudis took off his clothes and climbed into bed with the man who is listed as the homeowner. He then woke him up with a kiss as he was resting on top of him holding a knife. Picture that in your twisted little mind, would you please? The victim of the smooch and burglary grabbed his handgun and chased Mr. Defeudis out of the house, and then fired three warning shots into the ground in the front yard. Defeudis then broke into a second home (this one was unoccupied) and was apprehended by the Portland Police a short time later.

The burglar was taken to the hospital for treatment and has been charged with unlawful use of a weapon, burglary, and sexual assault.

There is no word on whether or not the kiss that Mr. Defeudis gave the victim was soft and romantic, or rough and playful. Reporters on the scene apparently didn't think to ask such an important question. No wonder they say that journalism isn't what it used to be.

via: Oregon Live

You Shouldn't Do That

Distracting Candy

Due to the advent and meteoric spread of the Internet, almost all things esoteric are now knowable. This is good. That is bad.

Everybody should know that you can't run away from the eye in the sky or the invisible hand; but you can hide if you're good at it and aren't addicted to the artificial and flashing lights. Too many people just can't resist, and that will be the downfall of us all.

New Nicknames for Johnny Manziel

Johnny Manziel needs a new nickname because he is excels at other things now.

From a young age, the Cleveland Browns quarterback, Johnny Manziel, has been known as "Johnny Football." But now that he's getting recognition for things other than football, it's about time that he gets a new nickname. Many of you are agreeing with me right now because you're smart people.

The second-year NFL star is not the current starting QB for his team and his few career NFL stats are nothing like his college numbers. Manziel last year started five games in his rookie season and has only played two games this year. He has spent more weeks in rehab than he has on the football field since going pro.

Manziel on Monday was pulled over for driving like a maniac and speeding after 911 received more than one call about his actions. He told the officers on site that he had been drinking, but of course he wasn't given a breathalyzer or a field sobriety test. Also, as the below video shows, Johnny's girlfriend claims that he shoved her head against the window. During their little cruising sesion she told Manziel that she was going to jump out the car while it was moving. Not only did the cops pass on the opportunity to administer a breathalyzer test on Manziel, they also failed to arrest him on assault charges for the whole "head-pressed-against-the-window-trick" he showed his unimpressed girlfriend.

If you can think of a new and more pertinent nickname for Manziel, feel free to submit it in the comments section. You don't have to register, you can just comment as "anonymous." Here are a few new nicknames for Johnny Manziel to get you started:

Johnny Goofball, Johnny Eight Ball, Johnny Fooseball, Johnny No Balls.

 

 

Ms. Bum Bum Contestants Protest Against No Nudity Playboy

Brazil's Ms. Bum Bum Contestants Don't Like Playboy's Decision to Remove Nudity

The Brazilian butts of the Ms. Bum Bum contest are taking a stand in protest of Playboy magazine's decision to do away with nudity. Their opinion isn't going to sway anybody at Playboy, but any excuse to show 24 butts in one photo is a good one. Yes, I took a butt head count. The world's most-famous (and boring) nude magazine is going to stop showing naked women after the March 2016 issue. For more information (pictures) of the Ms. Bum Bum women, you can check out their official site. 

In other final-nude-edition-of-Playboy news, Jenny "Too Old to Date Hefner" McCarthy wants to be the final naked centerfold for the magazine. McCarthy announcing that is good publicity for her, but it isn't going to happen. I'll bet you 75 American Dollars right here and now. 

In other "other" nude Playboy news, there are rumors (could it possibly be true) that the world's biggest pimp, Kris Jenner, wants the Kardashian and Jenner sisters to pose nude as a group for the final beaver shot issue. I don't see Kourtney ever going for this, and I don't want to see Khloe's box. Kendall and Kylie, sure, I'd take a look at what is in their trousers, but only in the name of journalism. It would be the first thing I ever did in the name of journalism.

Does Playgirl magazine still exist? I could do an Internet search and find out the answer, but I'm fine with leaving that fact as something that I don't know.

"Dance Moms" Star Abbey Lee Miller In Trouble For Tax Evasion

You have to pay your taxes -- it's as American as apple pie and death. It's apparent that the star of the awful and deranged TV show Dance Moms apparently thinks it's OK to pull a fast one on the IRS; you see, she skipped out on paying taxes on some of her income. The "Dance Mom," Abbey Lee Miller (50), is facing up to five years behind bars for that little stunt. But, you know as well as I do that because of her tiny bit of fame, there is a 0.00001 percent chance that she will do any jail time. 

In my opinion, Miller would be a good offender for the IRS to lock up. Using "Ms. Dance Mom, USA" would get the message out there that Uncle Sam doesn't like it when you try to keep too much of your own money. It's all fine and dandy to want to keep some of the money you earn, but don't try getting crazy with it.

Speaking of that overbearing uncle, he pulled in $3.25 trillion in revenue last year; that's eight percent more than he made the year before. I'm so proud of him. A big reason for his increased revenue is the extra tax money he snaked from his citizens this year. Sam collected 11% more in  payroll taxes, while corporate, and income taxes increased 7 percent and 8 percent respectively. You know how that was possible? An improved job market. Good job, USA. It's too bad that the economy is going to take a nosedive again in the very near future.

Abbey Lee Miller was caught through happenstance when a bankruptcy judge was flipping through channels on his TV set one night when he spotted Miller doing her thing on the video screen. That prompted him to think, "There's no way that she is only making $8,899 per month." And he was right. Miller was earning $15,000 an episode for Dance Moms. On top of that, she was earning money from making appearances as well as from selling merchandise, etc.

Isn't coincidence a bitch... or at least a cruel mistress? Now, if that TV channel had been airing a commercial at the time, Miller wouldn't be in the trouble she is in now. Ouch!

Pepsi Perfect From Back to the Future 2 Will Have A Very Limited Release

Pepsi Will Launch Perfect Pepsi In Honor Of Back to the Future II

You don't have to be a fan of the Back to the Future trilogy, or even a Pepsi drinker, to have your interest piqued by the very limited and soon-to-be-released Perfect Pepsi. So, just how rare are these bottles of liquid joy, you're wondering. Unfortunately, there will only be 6,500 of these exclusive bottles of carbonated goodness produced. If you take into account the “almost-fact” that people will buy more than one, then you're going to be assaulted by an onslaught of slim pickings. There's no word on whether or not there will be a strict limit of one per household. Even if there is an ordering limit put in place, soda lovers (and greedy people who want to resell them on eBay) will find a way to get around that little obstacle. It is the future, after all.

The Perfect Pepsi launch date isn't just a random number that was plucked from thin air or generated by marketing pros with futuristic calculators. Nope, it sure isn't. It's the day that Marty McFly traveled to in the movie Back to the Future II: October 21, 2015. That's less than a week away! But who's counting?

If the folks at Pepsi are to believed (they haven't lied to me, yet), then each 16.9 ounce bottle you purchase will come with it's very own collectible case. Everything is collectible, even things that are undesirable, so don't let that word get you overly excited.

Pepsi Perfect is going to cost $21.05 per bottle and if you don't like it, blame inflation... I always do.

Playboy Magazine Will No Longer Contain Nudity

Playboy barely showed any titillating pictures anyway, so it doesn't really matter that Playboy Magazine will no longer (barely) contain any nudity. The only good thing about the magazine was the articles, anyway.

The New York Times broke the news to the world that's sure to anger some old people who actually like airbrushed, barely-nude females. The rest of the world will shrug and not care. Isn't that what most people (especially Americans) do anyway? I'm an American and that's what I do more often than not. A great man once said: "Not my chair, not my problem."

Playboy chief executive something-or-other, Scott "Don't call me Ned" Flanders said, "That battle has been fought and won. You're now one click away from every sex act imaginable for free. And so it's just passé at this juncture."

Sure, just give up and give in. With that attitude, you will never be popular on campus. If you want to be a winner, you have to at least try. In all fairness, though, since Playboy.com stopped showing beaver shots last year, the sites viewership has gone up and the age of its visitors has gotten younger, which is good from a marketing standpoint. Younger dudes spend more money. I suppose this is good news for magazines like Beavers and Jugs Illustrated and Cougar Next Door. Those aren't real magazines, but they should be. 

I'll bet you dollars to donuts that the last issue of Playboy to contain nudity will sell more copies than any other edition of the magazine. If I was a nice person, I would tell you when the final nudity version of Playboy will go on sale, but I'm not nice. I'm sure you will hear about it someplace else (like at the water cooler) whether you want to or not.

 

Woman Chased By Police Hides In Porta Potty

Most people, myself included, would rather go to jail and/or prison than hide inside a porta potty's toilet. But 27-year-old Treasure Dawn Shockey from Eugene, Oregon is the exception to the rule; she wasn't about to let some feces and urine get in the way of her freedom. 

Shockey ran from two Eugene cops who tried to talk to her because she had two warrants for her arrest. Too bad she was caught 20 minutes after fleeing police because a construction worker saw her hiding inside the nasty part of a porta potty. The man lifted the toilet seat and saw her down in the bog of eternal stench. It would've been funny if he took a whiz on her face before noticing her.

 

Man Calls 911 After Girlfriend Refused To Have Sex With Him

53-year-old Patrick Doggett from Spartanburg, South Carolina was arrested for being drunk in public when police showed up to his house. They came to see what was up with him after he called 911 to complain that his girlfriend refused to have sex with him.  He told the 911 dispatcher that his old lady "would not give him any ass."

When the police showed up at Doggett's house, he was found to be drunk on the lawn and yelling obscenities. Police officers at the scene claim that he was shouting "F#ck that bitch" and was very agitated. He told the responding officers that he had been drinking all day. I can picture the officers of the law trying to avoid his stank alcohol breath now as he tried to explain his story to them.

Doggett said that the reason his girlfriend refused to give him some sweet loving is because she had her grandson with her.

"Diggity Doggett," as I call him, dodged a bullet when the police decided not to charge his drunken and love-starved self with a crime for his misuse of the 911 system. But, they did arrest him for being drunk and stupid in public. Don't worry, Doggett has been released from jail and he has probably since gotten himself some ass.

"Love me"

 
 

Honey Boo Boo's Music Video "Movin' Up"

The most fascinating thing about the whole Honey Boo Boo monstrosity is that there are people who watched her show unironically. There are people in this world who are just as "unfortunate" as Honey Boo Boo's clan. And they watched the now-cancelled Here Comes Honey Boo Boo as if it was a "real" reality show. I almost used the word "serious" in regards to a reality show. Looks like somebody needs a nap. [Points at self]. Many of Honey Boo Boo's rabid fans tuned in every week to watch her program with the same gravitas that Jersey Shore was once shown. Some people actually laughed with her and not at her. 

Most people are afraid to pick on a ten-year-old girl, but I'm not; my theory is: if you're famous, then you're considered an adult in my book.

Check out Honey Boo Boo's first (and hopefully last) music video and then curse me for introducing it to you. The ten-year-old superstar doesn't actually sing, she screams the words to the song while obviously reading them from a piece of paper. My favorite part is when you can see Honey Boo Boo's mom and sister breathing heavy. You can tell that they didn't take a rest break after dancing before filming those scenes. What's your favorite thing about the video?

 

Carl's Jr. Controversial And Sexy Volleyball Commercial

How do you like them apples? The new-ish Carl's Jr. commercial for their Tex Mex Bacon Thickburger has caused some folks to raise an eyebrow, because even the smallest things are deemed controversial.

The commercial portrays a team of sexy Mexican chicks and a team of American babes playing a game of beach volleyball. Nothing controversial there, until you take into account that the volleyball net is made of a border wall. 

But this commercial is only implying that we should all get along and eat a juicy burger while watching some hotties get sweaty in some skimpy beach attire. There's nothing wrong with that. Nothing wrong with that at all.

 

Ronda Rousey On Cover Of Australia's Men's Fitness Magazine

Ronda Rousey has made history by being the first woman on the cover of the Australian version of Men's Fitness magazine. And apparently some men aren't happy about it for various reasons. Can it really be considered history if it's only Australian history? I'm not so sure.

The cover of the magazine poses a question to the Australian magazine's readership: "Think You're Tough?" Well, I haven't really thought about it today. On some days I feel tough and in the mood to fight, but not right now.

One commenter said, "Shouldn't men be on men's fitness?" [sic]. I have an answer for that question: There are no boys on the cover of Playboy.

And another fan of the magazine wondered why a different (better) athlete such as Serena Williams didn't make the cover of Men's Fitness but Rousey did. I don't have an answer for that question, but I will produce one as soon as I care enough.

What I don't understand is why so many people are acting like Ronda "Lousy" Rousey is the second coming of Mary Magdalene. Sure, she wins all her fights easily, but at the end of the day, she's still fighting girls. Big deal. It can't be that difficult to beat up a girl, can it?

Rousey isn't somebody that I can get excited about. She annoys me more than she should and it's all her female fans' fault. Countless times I've heard women say things like, "I'm straight, but I would have sex with Ronda Rousey." Oh, really? You transformed into a "Lesbatroid" before for a few lines of crappy, "trampled-on" cocaine, so spare me, please. Just admit you're bi-sexual, women, don't make up rules to your game. If you like laying with women as well as men, big deal -- go with it. It's OK, though, because Rousey is pretty... manly!

 

Rep. Jud McMillin Resigns After Sending All Contacts A Sex Video

All politicians are scumbags, it's just that some of them haven't been caught doing something wrong, yet. But for Rep. Jud McMillin, he can't stop getting caught because he's an idiot. And his latest mistake has forced him to resign.

McMillin, a Republican representative from Indiana who spews and spouts about "family values," accidentally sent every person on his phone's contact list pictures of him doing sexual things with a woman who is not his wife. Oops, that can't be good. 

After accidentally sending out the raunchy pictures, McMillin sent a message to his entire contact list stating that his phone disappeared on him while he was in Canada. That isn't a very good excuse, even though the excuse (which isn't legit, I'm sure) would only make it look like he wasn't dumb enough to send the pictures to everybody, but it won't cover up the fact that he had pictures of him having sex with another woman.

The no-good, dirty, rotten politician has been caught doing some non-kosher things in the past. McMillin was forced out of a legal case that he was prosecuting because it was found out that he was having sex with and sexting a domestic abuse survivor. That's what these Republican freaks are calling "Family Values" these days.

McMillin started his douchebag career early in life. "J-Mac" was kicked out of school for stealing from his teammates. GO TEAM! And when you're gone, he will take your belongings and make them his own.

Former Representative McMillin (the villain) said that he is stepping down to spend time with his family. What family would that be? The one he created with his wife or does he have a family with a mistress? And people wonder why I don't vote; it's because they are all liars.

via: Boing Boing

 

South Dakota Will Have America's First Weed Resort

When I hear or see the words "South Dakota," I think of Buffaloes roaming the Great Plains and enjoying life. Did you know that over 90 percent of Buffaloes are privately owned? Oh, you did know that? Why in the hell would you know something like that? Well, it's thoughts like these that cross my mind when South Dakota gets mentioned. But for many Americans, soon they will think of marijuana when they hear South Dakota get mentioned. 

The Santee Sioux tribe has decided to make a ton of money by opening the first weed resort in America. Sure, there are some small little clubs in Colorado where you can hang out with like-minded hippies and get stoned, but they don't have a bowling alley, do they?! The marijuana resort will also have arcade games, food and beverages, an outdoor music venue, and slot machines. Sounds like fun, except for the fact that the place will smell like burning pot (weed smells like dog crap when it's burning) and patchouli. 

The resort, because of federal laws, will only be able to sell tokers a gram of weed at a time. Also, weed enthusiasts won't be allowed to take any of the drugs they purchase with them -- it must stay on the property. How many people do you think will try to take some pot home with them? A lot. 

If any of you potheads want to go, it won't be open until Dec. 31. The joint will probably be packed on opening night.

Napping Yankees Fan Tried To Sue For $10 Million, Case Thrown Out

Andrew Rector tried to achieve the American dream (which is to win a frivolous lawsuit), but he failed miserably. The napping Yankees fan who tried to sue for $10 million had his case thrown out, and that is good for American society at large.

Mr. Rector sued ESPN, the game's announcers, the NY Yankees, and Major League Baseball claiming that he was defamed something fierce. Rector alleged that the ESPN announcers made fun of him with an "unending verbal crusade." But, that right there shows the plaintiff in the case is a liar. If it was "unending," they would still be bombarding him with their word onslaught. He also said that the announcers, John Kruk and Don Shulman, called him mean names like "fatty" and "stupid." I watched the video, and that is simply not true. Not only did I watch the video, I also listened to it.

The judge ruled that nothing that the announcers said was defamatory and the sleeping giant had his case put to rest.

There is no word on whether or not Mr. Rector still attends Yankees games. I tried to reach him with smoke signals, but he hasn't responded, yet.

Roethlisberger To Give Guidance To Michael Vick During Thursday's Game

"I'll bet you I can hit that dog from here."

The Steelers don't have much of a choice, so they will be starting "The Dog Whisperer Shouter" this Thursday night against the Baltimore Ravens. "Big Baby" Roethlisberger will be on the sidelines for Thursday's game giving guidance to Michael Vick as they take on their winless AFC North rivals. 

On Tuesday, Roethlisberger said that he thought his leg was broken when he got hit and hurt by St. Louis Rams safety Mark Barron. The big quarterback said of his left knee injury: "This is pretty painful." No doubt everybody within earshot thought "That's what she said."

This prime time Thursday night American football contest should be interesting. Will the Ravens be able to take advantage of the rusty Vick and get their first win of the season, or will Vick come out slinging and keep Baltimore winless? 

Michael Vick is fortunate that his first game back as a starter will be played in Pittsburgh on the ketchup field, but he will no doubt still hear some taunts from fans who love dogs and football. That should be a TV dating show: Must Love Dogs and Football.

 

Florida Man Disemboweled Girlfriend After Drunken Sex Gone Bad

I am not surprised that this exciting episode of When Sex Goes Wrong was set against a Florida backdrop -- it's just the sort of thing that happens in Florida all day, every day. 

Fidel Lopez (24) was laying the smackdown on his girlfriend's "lovehole" when she made the fatal mistake of calling him by her ex-husband's name... twice! Uh-oh, Maria Nemeth, you shouldn't have done that. People don't take too kindly to such things. Now, that isn't something that falls into the "unheard of" category, but something that just might is the fact that they were having sex in a closet. Although, they were drinking tequila, so I'm guessing that is the reason why they ended up fornicating where some clothes were just hanging around. Boy, if that T-shirt could talk...

When the officers of the law showed up at the Sunrise, Florida apartment building, they discovered Mr. Lopez in the bathroom naked and bawling like a sissy next to the bloody 31-year-old woman.

At first Lopez told the cops that Nemeth became ill after they had drunken sex, so she went into the bathroom in order to puke and collapse. But after police bothered Mr. Lopez some more, the truth came out. Lopez said that he was so upset that he started smashing things in the apartment, and then he went back to the sexy closet where he found Nemeth passed out. That is when Lopez really started to go bonkers. He said that he turned into a "monster" and began putting objects inside of her you-know-what. But that didn't help make Lopez's anger subside, so naturally he put his hand inside of her and pulled out some pieces of her intestines. Say what?! Who knew that was even possible without some sort of surgical apparatus or a butter knife.

After the whole scene was over, the antagonist went outside and puffed on a cigarette before calling 911.

If I was one of the cops who responded to the scene of the crime, I would've asked Mr. Lopez if he finished up (i.e., had an orgasm) before he went bonkers or if his anger overpowered his sexual needs.

The police didn't let Mr. Lopez go free, they cuffed him and charged him with murder.