Excluded Man Assaults Woman At Monopoly Tournament

Some 69-year-old men don't have much to look forward to, so when you deny them the opportunity to partake in one of their favorite activities, they're going to get angry; and perhaps they will get physical... you never know.

John "the Monopoly Menace" Litton was informed ahead of time (via telephone) that he wasn't welcome at this year's Ozark Mountain Monopoly Tournament because of his verbal assault of other players at last year's tournament. Not many specifics were given about his brashness during the previous tournament, but the tournament's spokesman, Cy Bortner, broke it down like this for Huffington Post.
 "I'm using a hypothetical example, but say I ask you to sell Ventnor Avenue and when you don't, I call you a dumbass."

Most people would agree that that is some pretty jerky behavior for a Monopoly tournament. Mr. Litton was booted from last year's games and given a refund because of his rude behavior.

When "the Monopoly Menace" arrived Saturday at this year's tournament, he was told to take a hike, but he wasn't leaving without first obtaining some excitement in his life. The tournament spokesman claims that Mr. Litton punched one of the women he played against last year and made a threatening throat-slitting gesture towards another. To top it all off, he "pawed at" the spokesman's chest. I'm not exactly sure what being "pawed at" means, but it sounds fun. It almost sounds as fun as "heavy petting."

The next time you're in Missouri, don't accept any invites to play any board games. If you do, you may be putting yourself in danger of being called a "dumbass," or even worse, getting "pawed at."

Cleaners In An Italian Museum Accidentally Throw Out Art Exhibit

Who likes art installations? I do, too! We should be friends. But that's beside the point. Cleaners in an Italian Museum (Museion Modern Art Gallery) accidentally tossed an art exhibit into recycling bins after mistaking the installation as remnants from a party. That would've been one interesting party by the looks of the evidence left behind. Well, had it been an actual party. Party like it's 1999, anyone?

The exhibit is named "We were going to dance tonight" and it is a commentary on the debauched lifestyle of the Italian politicos that rock and rolled during the 1980s. Goldschmied and Chiari are the Milanese artists who are responsible for the exhibit. I'm sure they weren't amused when they found out what happened to their art action. It's not good to throw out an art exhibit, because then people will start to wonder what is art, and if they have to ask, they will never know.

"We were going to dance tonight," until everybody started acting like a douche bag. We just went to an after party and drank some more. Everybody got wasted. You should've been there.

 

Deli Owner Goes On Racist Tirade On Facebook Over One-Star Rating

AJ's Gourmet Deli Owner Goes on Racist Tirade Over One-Star Review 

 

 AJ's Gourmet Deli doesn't like getting one-star ratings, even if he might deserve them. In fact, he hates them so much he is willing and able to go on Facebook and break out the racist bombs.

Jesse Lopez-Gonzalez, who is a Nampa, Idaho resident and Facebook user, gave AJ's Gourmet Deli a one-star rating in the "customer service" section during an online review of the food joint. 

It all started one fine day when Mr. Lopez-Gonalez went into AJ's Gourmet Deli and saw a sandwich he wanted to put into his face and stomach -- so he ordered it. He wanted to take the sandwich with him, at first, but when he realized the deal was for dine-in only, he asked if he could eat it there. I'm going to guess he decided to eat it there so he could get it at a lower price. But, the employee said that it was already in the box, so he would have to pay, take the sandwich, and then leave. What he did after that would be his business.

That prompted the befuddled customer to go online and review the deli, and when he did, he gave the deli a one-star rating in the "customer service" department. The owner of AJ's apparently tracked him down on the Facebook and let him know what was on his mind. Perhaps the owner of the deli has an anger problem; he should get medicine and/or help for that.

via: Idaho Press 

The Countries Whose Workers Work The Most Hours Yearly

For your enjoyment, here is a horizontal graph chart that shows the countries whose workers put in the most hours on the job yearly

The hard-working folks of Mexico put in the most hours per year on average clocking in at 2,237 hours per year; that equals out to 43.02 hours per week. It's a good thing I have an alien made abacus that knows all about hundredths places. Number twelve on the list, the U.S. of A., has an average work year of 1,788 hours, or 34.4 hours per week.

statista

Man Burglarized House, Then Got In Bed Naked With Homeowner

If you believe what the Portland Police Bureau says, then Richard Dean Defeudis (32) burglarized a home in Portland on Thursday in the wee hours of the morning. 

OK, nothing strange about a man burglarizing somebody's homestead -- it happens often enough. But Mr. Defeudis is not a man who conforms to society's norms, good or bad. This man takes it up a notch no matter what he's doing. And on this particular Thursday morning, he decided it was about time that things got strange.

After going through the house collecting valuable items, "R.D." Defeudis took off his clothes and climbed into bed with the man who is listed as the homeowner. He then woke him up with a kiss as he was resting on top of him holding a knife. Picture that in your twisted little mind, would you please? The victim of the smooch and burglary grabbed his handgun and chased Mr. Defeudis out of the house, and then fired three warning shots into the ground in the front yard. Defeudis then broke into a second home (this one was unoccupied) and was apprehended by the Portland Police a short time later.

The burglar was taken to the hospital for treatment and has been charged with unlawful use of a weapon, burglary, and sexual assault.

There is no word on whether or not the kiss that Mr. Defeudis gave the victim was soft and romantic, or rough and playful. Reporters on the scene apparently didn't think to ask such an important question. No wonder they say that journalism isn't what it used to be.

via: Oregon Live

You Shouldn't Do That

Distracting Candy

Due to the advent and meteoric spread of the Internet, almost all things esoteric are now knowable. This is good. That is bad.

Everybody should know that you can't run away from the eye in the sky or the invisible hand; but you can hide if you're good at it and aren't addicted to the artificial and flashing lights. Too many people just can't resist, and that will be the downfall of us all.

New Nicknames for Johnny Manziel

Johnny Manziel needs a new nickname because he is excels at other things now.

From a young age, the Cleveland Browns quarterback, Johnny Manziel, has been known as "Johnny Football." But now that he's getting recognition for things other than football, it's about time that he gets a new nickname. Many of you are agreeing with me right now because you're smart people.

The second-year NFL star is not the current starting QB for his team and his few career NFL stats are nothing like his college numbers. Manziel last year started five games in his rookie season and has only played two games this year. He has spent more weeks in rehab than he has on the football field since going pro.

Manziel on Monday was pulled over for driving like a maniac and speeding after 911 received more than one call about his actions. He told the officers on site that he had been drinking, but of course he wasn't given a breathalyzer or a field sobriety test. Also, as the below video shows, Johnny's girlfriend claims that he shoved her head against the window. During their little cruising sesion she told Manziel that she was going to jump out the car while it was moving. Not only did the cops pass on the opportunity to administer a breathalyzer test on Manziel, they also failed to arrest him on assault charges for the whole "head-pressed-against-the-window-trick" he showed his unimpressed girlfriend.

If you can think of a new and more pertinent nickname for Manziel, feel free to submit it in the comments section. You don't have to register, you can just comment as "anonymous." Here are a few new nicknames for Johnny Manziel to get you started:

Johnny Goofball, Johnny Eight Ball, Johnny Fooseball, Johnny No Balls.

 

 

Ms. Bum Bum Contestants Protest Against No Nudity Playboy

Brazil's Ms. Bum Bum Contestants Don't Like Playboy's Decision to Remove Nudity

The Brazilian butts of the Ms. Bum Bum contest are taking a stand in protest of Playboy magazine's decision to do away with nudity. Their opinion isn't going to sway anybody at Playboy, but any excuse to show 24 butts in one photo is a good one. Yes, I took a butt head count. The world's most-famous (and boring) nude magazine is going to stop showing naked women after the March 2016 issue. For more information (pictures) of the Ms. Bum Bum women, you can check out their official site. 

In other final-nude-edition-of-Playboy news, Jenny "Too Old to Date Hefner" McCarthy wants to be the final naked centerfold for the magazine. McCarthy announcing that is good publicity for her, but it isn't going to happen. I'll bet you 75 American Dollars right here and now. 

In other "other" nude Playboy news, there are rumors (could it possibly be true) that the world's biggest pimp, Kris Jenner, wants the Kardashian and Jenner sisters to pose nude as a group for the final beaver shot issue. I don't see Kourtney ever going for this, and I don't want to see Khloe's box. Kendall and Kylie, sure, I'd take a look at what is in their trousers, but only in the name of journalism. It would be the first thing I ever did in the name of journalism.

Does Playgirl magazine still exist? I could do an Internet search and find out the answer, but I'm fine with leaving that fact as something that I don't know.

"Dance Moms" Star Abbey Lee Miller In Trouble For Tax Evasion

You have to pay your taxes -- it's as American as apple pie and death. It's apparent that the star of the awful and deranged TV show Dance Moms apparently thinks it's OK to pull a fast one on the IRS; you see, she skipped out on paying taxes on some of her income. The "Dance Mom," Abbey Lee Miller (50), is facing up to five years behind bars for that little stunt. But, you know as well as I do that because of her tiny bit of fame, there is a 0.00001 percent chance that she will do any jail time. 

In my opinion, Miller would be a good offender for the IRS to lock up. Using "Ms. Dance Mom, USA" would get the message out there that Uncle Sam doesn't like it when you try to keep too much of your own money. It's all fine and dandy to want to keep some of the money you earn, but don't try getting crazy with it.

Speaking of that overbearing uncle, he pulled in $3.25 trillion in revenue last year; that's eight percent more than he made the year before. I'm so proud of him. A big reason for his increased revenue is the extra tax money he snaked from his citizens this year. Sam collected 11% more in  payroll taxes, while corporate, and income taxes increased 7 percent and 8 percent respectively. You know how that was possible? An improved job market. Good job, USA. It's too bad that the economy is going to take a nosedive again in the very near future.

Abbey Lee Miller was caught through happenstance when a bankruptcy judge was flipping through channels on his TV set one night when he spotted Miller doing her thing on the video screen. That prompted him to think, "There's no way that she is only making $8,899 per month." And he was right. Miller was earning $15,000 an episode for Dance Moms. On top of that, she was earning money from making appearances as well as from selling merchandise, etc.

Isn't coincidence a bitch... or at least a cruel mistress? Now, if that TV channel had been airing a commercial at the time, Miller wouldn't be in the trouble she is in now. Ouch!

Pepsi Perfect From Back to the Future 2 Will Have A Very Limited Release

Pepsi Will Launch Perfect Pepsi In Honor Of Back to the Future II

You don't have to be a fan of the Back to the Future trilogy, or even a Pepsi drinker, to have your interest piqued by the very limited and soon-to-be-released Perfect Pepsi. So, just how rare are these bottles of liquid joy, you're wondering. Unfortunately, there will only be 6,500 of these exclusive bottles of carbonated goodness produced. If you take into account the “almost-fact” that people will buy more than one, then you're going to be assaulted by an onslaught of slim pickings. There's no word on whether or not there will be a strict limit of one per household. Even if there is an ordering limit put in place, soda lovers (and greedy people who want to resell them on eBay) will find a way to get around that little obstacle. It is the future, after all.

The Perfect Pepsi launch date isn't just a random number that was plucked from thin air or generated by marketing pros with futuristic calculators. Nope, it sure isn't. It's the day that Marty McFly traveled to in the movie Back to the Future II: October 21, 2015. That's less than a week away! But who's counting?

If the folks at Pepsi are to believed (they haven't lied to me, yet), then each 16.9 ounce bottle you purchase will come with it's very own collectible case. Everything is collectible, even things that are undesirable, so don't let that word get you overly excited.

Pepsi Perfect is going to cost $21.05 per bottle and if you don't like it, blame inflation... I always do.

Playboy Magazine Will No Longer Contain Nudity

Playboy barely showed any titillating pictures anyway, so it doesn't really matter that Playboy Magazine will no longer (barely) contain any nudity. The only good thing about the magazine was the articles, anyway.

The New York Times broke the news to the world that's sure to anger some old people who actually like airbrushed, barely-nude females. The rest of the world will shrug and not care. Isn't that what most people (especially Americans) do anyway? I'm an American and that's what I do more often than not. A great man once said: "Not my chair, not my problem."

Playboy chief executive something-or-other, Scott "Don't call me Ned" Flanders said, "That battle has been fought and won. You're now one click away from every sex act imaginable for free. And so it's just passé at this juncture."

Sure, just give up and give in. With that attitude, you will never be popular on campus. If you want to be a winner, you have to at least try. In all fairness, though, since Playboy.com stopped showing beaver shots last year, the sites viewership has gone up and the age of its visitors has gotten younger, which is good from a marketing standpoint. Younger dudes spend more money. I suppose this is good news for magazines like Beavers and Jugs Illustrated and Cougar Next Door. Those aren't real magazines, but they should be. 

I'll bet you dollars to donuts that the last issue of Playboy to contain nudity will sell more copies than any other edition of the magazine. If I was a nice person, I would tell you when the final nudity version of Playboy will go on sale, but I'm not nice. I'm sure you will hear about it someplace else (like at the water cooler) whether you want to or not.

 

Woman Chased By Police Hides In Porta Potty

Most people, myself included, would rather go to jail and/or prison than hide inside a porta potty's toilet. But 27-year-old Treasure Dawn Shockey from Eugene, Oregon is the exception to the rule; she wasn't about to let some feces and urine get in the way of her freedom. 

Shockey ran from two Eugene cops who tried to talk to her because she had two warrants for her arrest. Too bad she was caught 20 minutes after fleeing police because a construction worker saw her hiding inside the nasty part of a porta potty. The man lifted the toilet seat and saw her down in the bog of eternal stench. It would've been funny if he took a whiz on her face before noticing her.

 

Man Calls 911 After Girlfriend Refused To Have Sex With Him

53-year-old Patrick Doggett from Spartanburg, South Carolina was arrested for being drunk in public when police showed up to his house. They came to see what was up with him after he called 911 to complain that his girlfriend refused to have sex with him.  He told the 911 dispatcher that his old lady "would not give him any ass."

When the police showed up at Doggett's house, he was found to be drunk on the lawn and yelling obscenities. Police officers at the scene claim that he was shouting "F#ck that bitch" and was very agitated. He told the responding officers that he had been drinking all day. I can picture the officers of the law trying to avoid his stank alcohol breath now as he tried to explain his story to them.

Doggett said that the reason his girlfriend refused to give him some sweet loving is because she had her grandson with her.

"Diggity Doggett," as I call him, dodged a bullet when the police decided not to charge his drunken and love-starved self with a crime for his misuse of the 911 system. But, they did arrest him for being drunk and stupid in public. Don't worry, Doggett has been released from jail and he has probably since gotten himself some ass.

"Love me"

 
 

Honey Boo Boo's Music Video "Movin' Up"

The most fascinating thing about the whole Honey Boo Boo monstrosity is that there are people who watched her show unironically. There are people in this world who are just as "unfortunate" as Honey Boo Boo's clan. And they watched the now-cancelled Here Comes Honey Boo Boo as if it was a "real" reality show. I almost used the word "serious" in regards to a reality show. Looks like somebody needs a nap. [Points at self]. Many of Honey Boo Boo's rabid fans tuned in every week to watch her program with the same gravitas that Jersey Shore was once shown. Some people actually laughed with her and not at her. 

Most people are afraid to pick on a ten-year-old girl, but I'm not; my theory is: if you're famous, then you're considered an adult in my book.

Check out Honey Boo Boo's first (and hopefully last) music video and then curse me for introducing it to you. The ten-year-old superstar doesn't actually sing, she screams the words to the song while obviously reading them from a piece of paper. My favorite part is when you can see Honey Boo Boo's mom and sister breathing heavy. You can tell that they didn't take a rest break after dancing before filming those scenes. What's your favorite thing about the video?

 

Carl's Jr. Controversial And Sexy Volleyball Commercial

How do you like them apples? The new-ish Carl's Jr. commercial for their Tex Mex Bacon Thickburger has caused some folks to raise an eyebrow, because even the smallest things are deemed controversial.

The commercial portrays a team of sexy Mexican chicks and a team of American babes playing a game of beach volleyball. Nothing controversial there, until you take into account that the volleyball net is made of a border wall. 

But this commercial is only implying that we should all get along and eat a juicy burger while watching some hotties get sweaty in some skimpy beach attire. There's nothing wrong with that. Nothing wrong with that at all.

 

Ronda Rousey On Cover Of Australia's Men's Fitness Magazine

Ronda Rousey has made history by being the first woman on the cover of the Australian version of Men's Fitness magazine. And apparently some men aren't happy about it for various reasons. Can it really be considered history if it's only Australian history? I'm not so sure.

The cover of the magazine poses a question to the Australian magazine's readership: "Think You're Tough?" Well, I haven't really thought about it today. On some days I feel tough and in the mood to fight, but not right now.

One commenter said, "Shouldn't men be on men's fitness?" [sic]. I have an answer for that question: There are no boys on the cover of Playboy.

And another fan of the magazine wondered why a different (better) athlete such as Serena Williams didn't make the cover of Men's Fitness but Rousey did. I don't have an answer for that question, but I will produce one as soon as I care enough.

What I don't understand is why so many people are acting like Ronda "Lousy" Rousey is the second coming of Mary Magdalene. Sure, she wins all her fights easily, but at the end of the day, she's still fighting girls. Big deal. It can't be that difficult to beat up a girl, can it?

Rousey isn't somebody that I can get excited about. She annoys me more than she should and it's all her female fans' fault. Countless times I've heard women say things like, "I'm straight, but I would have sex with Ronda Rousey." Oh, really? You transformed into a "Lesbatroid" before for a few lines of crappy, "trampled-on" cocaine, so spare me, please. Just admit you're bi-sexual, women, don't make up rules to your game. If you like laying with women as well as men, big deal -- go with it. It's OK, though, because Rousey is pretty... manly!

 

Rep. Jud McMillin Resigns After Sending All Contacts A Sex Video

All politicians are scumbags, it's just that some of them haven't been caught doing something wrong, yet. But for Rep. Jud McMillin, he can't stop getting caught because he's an idiot. And his latest mistake has forced him to resign.

McMillin, a Republican representative from Indiana who spews and spouts about "family values," accidentally sent every person on his phone's contact list pictures of him doing sexual things with a woman who is not his wife. Oops, that can't be good. 

After accidentally sending out the raunchy pictures, McMillin sent a message to his entire contact list stating that his phone disappeared on him while he was in Canada. That isn't a very good excuse, even though the excuse (which isn't legit, I'm sure) would only make it look like he wasn't dumb enough to send the pictures to everybody, but it won't cover up the fact that he had pictures of him having sex with another woman.

The no-good, dirty, rotten politician has been caught doing some non-kosher things in the past. McMillin was forced out of a legal case that he was prosecuting because it was found out that he was having sex with and sexting a domestic abuse survivor. That's what these Republican freaks are calling "Family Values" these days.

McMillin started his douchebag career early in life. "J-Mac" was kicked out of school for stealing from his teammates. GO TEAM! And when you're gone, he will take your belongings and make them his own.

Former Representative McMillin (the villain) said that he is stepping down to spend time with his family. What family would that be? The one he created with his wife or does he have a family with a mistress? And people wonder why I don't vote; it's because they are all liars.

via: Boing Boing

 

South Dakota Will Have America's First Weed Resort

When I hear or see the words "South Dakota," I think of Buffaloes roaming the Great Plains and enjoying life. Did you know that over 90 percent of Buffaloes are privately owned? Oh, you did know that? Why in the hell would you know something like that? Well, it's thoughts like these that cross my mind when South Dakota gets mentioned. But for many Americans, soon they will think of marijuana when they hear South Dakota get mentioned. 

The Santee Sioux tribe has decided to make a ton of money by opening the first weed resort in America. Sure, there are some small little clubs in Colorado where you can hang out with like-minded hippies and get stoned, but they don't have a bowling alley, do they?! The marijuana resort will also have arcade games, food and beverages, an outdoor music venue, and slot machines. Sounds like fun, except for the fact that the place will smell like burning pot (weed smells like dog crap when it's burning) and patchouli. 

The resort, because of federal laws, will only be able to sell tokers a gram of weed at a time. Also, weed enthusiasts won't be allowed to take any of the drugs they purchase with them -- it must stay on the property. How many people do you think will try to take some pot home with them? A lot. 

If any of you potheads want to go, it won't be open until Dec. 31. The joint will probably be packed on opening night.