Wife Steals Cop Car With Husband Inside

Now that is what I call a good woman. An Alaska man (Joshua Watford, 28) was in the back seat of a cop car because he failed to show up for a stupid mandatory DWI class. His wife (Amber Watford) hopped into the driver's seat of that there patrol car and took off when the dumb cop was busy talking to a passing motorist. I know how cops are, so the cop was probably busy flirting with a handsome female when he got distracted.

The police with their stupid dogs and helicopters couldn't find the couple afterwards. But, sadly, the couple were apprehended three days ago when some jerk decided not to mind his or her own business and told the cops where the happily-married couple were located. 

Mrs. Watford was bailed out of jail and her husband is still in the pokey -- no doubt he is bragging to his fellow inmates about how bad ass his wife is.

 

Man Films Himself Having Sexual Relations With Animals

"I'll watch your dog while you're away."

Man Has Sex With Three Dogs and a Horse

I must say, this man's actions were filthy and downright dastardly. Travis A. Joy is a 45-year-old man from Spokane County who filmed himself having sex with three dogs and a horse and filmed it for later viewings. He claims that he filmed it so he could watch it later and not have to repeat the act. Certainly that is a lie and a plea for some leniency for his wrongdoings. If that were the case, he could've stopped after only filming himself with one of the dogs. 

Did he think that his friend's dog (that he raped and taped)was more comely than his own dog? Yes, he raped his own dog, too. He's a cheater. 

A former roommate of Mr. Joy discovered the footage of him with the animals after he moved out of the house and left it behind. Oops. 

If you want some more of the gruesome details, go right here.

 

 

Take a Ride On the Euthanasia Coaster

Although it is very unlikely that the Euthanasia Coaster will ever be built, it is still grand to pontificate thinking about its riders who want to die as they're taking their last ever ride on a roller coaster. You can picture the looks on their faces, how many people would cry out in vein "stop this ride!," etc. It's a wonderful idea, especially for people who love roller coasters and also want to die; it's a match made in heaven.

If you're interested in the specific details of the coolest coaster ever dreamed of, check out the link, you dink.

Euthanasia Coaster 

 

63 Earths Can Fit In Uranus

Teen Shows Off New Air Jordans, Friends Steal Them

Friends Steal Air Jordans From Teen

Michael Kelly and Christopher Hernandez, both 18 years old, have been charged with armed robbery, kidnapping, and aggravated battery for stealing a friend's Air Jordan sneakers and his cellphone. With friends like that, who needs cousins, right?

A teenager from West Palm Beach, Florida handed his brand new Jordans to three teens that were in a car outside of his house so they could "get a closer look at them." When the teens in the automobile started to drive away, the victim jumped inside the vehicle to retrieve his $170 kicks. One of the accused, Michael Kelly, is quite obese, so there is no way in hell that Jordans are going to make him jump any higher or run faster.

Whilst inside the car, the victim asked the alleged assailants to let him out of the car with his fresh new sneakers, but they weren't having it; in fact, they decided to make the victims day even worse. They told him to give up his cellphone or they would shoot him, and then the teens put a pillow case over his head. Then the teens are said to have pulled the teen out of the car, beat him up something fierce, and then threw him in a canal.

Hernandez was released from jail and Kelly is still sitting in there on $30,000 bail.

Do you think the kids will still be friends? I doubt it. At least the victim learned a couple of valuable lessons that he can carry with him into his adult life. Good luck, kid.

via: Sun Sentinel

Ashley Madison Owner's Planned What's Your Wife Worth App.

The company that is en vogue to hate right now (Avid Life Media, the owner's of Ashley Madison) have people even more upset with them... and it's for something that they didn't even do, yet.

ALM was planning on launching a smartphone app called "What's Your Wife Worth?" Well, cry me a river, right? The app that they were planning on launching isn't nearly as offensive in the masses collective mind as ashleymadison.com. And, besides, there are already "rating" sites on the Internet. Sure, they may not be considered to be as tasteless as "What's Your Wife Worth," but so what. 

Don't be upset, all you perfect people... there's no such thing as right or wrong if you really want to get right down to the heart of the matter. And, your wife is wonderful -- she must be worth a billion American dollars. You should go put your "thingy" in her right now before somebody else with more money and a nicer car beats you to it.

via: dailydot.com

I Know I'm Not the Only One

Surely I can't be the only person who listens to a song and thinks, "it would be neat to jump off a bridge while listening to that song." 

"Clarity" by Zedd is one of those songs.

Dumb Guy On Segway Crashes Into Usain Bolt

Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi Claims Her Husband Didn't Use Ashley Madison Website

"I'm so educated and smart... durrr!"

Snooki "The Wombat Wookie" Polizzi is claiming that her husband didn't use the Ashley Madison website to cheat on her. 

It has been reported that Snooki's husband's e-mail address was used to create an account on ashleymadison.com. So, Snooki went on instagram and rambled off some things about how her husband would never cheat on her, and if he did, he wouldn't have to use a website to do it. Well, the point of the website is to find other people who want to cheat and not get caught... so, yeah, Snooki, maybe he would use a website to cheat on you. The whole post sounds like she is trying to convince herself that her husband wouldn't cheat on her. I, myself, am not convinced that he wouldn't cheat on her.

In her instagram post she said many wonderful and poignant things. Here is a sample: "Jionni is the the [sic] most humble, respectful, and most loyal souls [sic] I know."

Yes, she did make two terrible mistakes in one sentence. Maybe she should have somebody type and proofread for her. 

One of her fans, named "bambbri" commented:  

  And in all honesty no one wants to talk nor give you the credit you deserve, from watching the first episode of jersey shore and seeing you be a crazy meatball to a lovely, educated, mother I must say the transformation you did is inspiring!

Educated? Yeah, "Snooki" is a regular old Rhodes scholar, isn't she. Her story is so inspiring, isn't it? She was paid to get drunk on TV and act like a fool and then she got pregnant and married. Wow! That is one riveting story!

via: Snooki's Instagram 

Female News Reporter Shot and Killed On Live TV

Female News Reporter Shot & Killed On Live TV

Here is something that you don't see every day -- or twice a week, for that matter. A shooting on live TV! A female news reporter, Alison Parker, 24, and her cameraman, Adam Ward, 27, were filming a segment this morning at a water park in Virginia when the murders took place.

The shooting took place at 6:45 a.m. whilst Alison Parker was interviewing somebody at the park for some reason or another. I watched the video a few times, but I didn't pay attention to what the old bitty was saying either time.

Here is the "shocking" video that captures the action. Talk about being the first on the scene! The shooter is still on the loose and there is no word on what the shooter's motive was.

Warning: The video is not for the faint of heart, but it isn't gruesome, per se.

Man Accused Of Stealing Potato Chips From Child Stabs A Man

Clarence Dorn Jr. (56) was arrested in North Portland, Oregon on Saturday night after stabbing a man in the neck for accusing him of stealing potato chips from a child's plate. 

The way I see it, either Mr. Dorn was pissed off for being accused of something he didn't do or he was upset that he got caught. Either scenario is plausible.

When officers and paramedics rolled up on the scene of the alleged crime, they found Robert Alexander with a stab wound in his neck. His injury isn't life-threatening.

The police found Clarence Dorn Jr. at a nearby park and arrested him. He has been charged with 2nd degree assault.

There is no word on whether or not Dorn had potato chip grease on his fingers and/or lips when he was apprehended.

Life... Pssh

He must be High if he thinks it looks good to wear a bow tie and a sweatshirt at the same time.

Former NFL Cheerleader Gets Probation For Raping Boy

I can deflate balls better than Tom Brady

A former cheerleader for one of the stupidest teams in the NFL (the Ravens) was sentenced to two measly years of probation for giving a 15-year-old boy alcohol and raping him. She fourth-degree raped his brains out, and that's just not right. This isn't a laughing matter.

The 48-year-old divorced cougar MILF gave the victim and three other boys alcoholic beverages at her Delaware rental vacation home in August of last year. She got the boy drunk and had sex with him... and I'm sure he is going to be distraught about it for the rest of his life. That poor boy. 

The teen victim's father at court today said: "At the end of the day, there's nothing we can do to take this pain away from him."

There is no word on how many times the victim and his little buddies made jokes to her about her "pom-poms."

via: Huffington Post

Woman Claimed She Was Kidnapped By Boyfriend To Skip Work

Breaking News: Women Lie!

A Florida woman proves once again that women are liars. 

On Monday morning police officers from Panama City, Florida and other local agencies wasted a few hours of their time looking for a woman who falsely claimed that she was being held against her will by her boyfriend. 

Beverly Brooks (43), left her job as a nursing assistant during her break and failed to return to work. A concerned co-worker called her to see what her deal was and that's when Brooks fabricated the tale of being kidnapped by her boyfriend.

Police found Brooks yesterday and arrested her for being a big fat liar. I'm surprised the police didn't consider her kidnapping story to be true even though she admitted it was a lie. In many cases where a woman lies about being abused by her male lover the cops beat up the guy and arrest him before asking questions. 

Kids Drown In Chinese Reservoir, Parents Are Sued For Pollution Fee

Please clean up after your kids

After five kids drowned while swimming unsupervised by any super heroes at a reservoir in Yunnan, China, one set of parents (who lost two sons in the mishap) have sued the local water authority and the company who manages the reservoir. The parents are saying "show me the money."

Apparently there were no signs posted stating that children shouldn't swim in that particular reserve of water. If there were signs posted, the parents feel that the children wouldn't be dead, yet. That has to be true because children always obey signs, right?

The management company isn't taking this matter lightly and they are countersuing the parents. Because the parents didn't teach their children not to swim in reservoirs (when no superheroes were around), the company has been forced to treat the water -- and that isn't free.

The parents are being sued in order to pay for what the company is calling a "corpse pollution fee.

If you can help out in anyway, I'm sure the company that was forced to clean up after the kids would gladly accept donations.
 

Funny Old Advertisement For Coffee

I would never marry a woman who didn't "store-test" the coffee before bringing it home. That would be downright irresponsible coffee purchasing, period. And it would probably be the last mistake she ever made. Would you marry a woman who is so careless with the coffee decisions in your household? I didn't think so!

Snoop Dogg Stopped At Italian Airport Carrying $422,000

What is a "Snoop Doggy"?

Snoop Dogg was stopped Friday at an Italian airport whilst carrying $422,000 in cash in his fancy-pants designer luggage.

The California rapper was just trying to get to the United Kingdom after doing some rapping and rhyming in exchange for money in the country that looks like a boot.

In European countries, the limit on the amount of money you can carry onto a plane is $10,986. The rule even applies to people who are flying on private planes, which Snoop Dogg, a.k.a. Calvin Broadus, was doing. I think that is one unnecessary law when being applied to a private aircraft. I can understand commercial airlines having a restriction, for obvious reasons, but private planes are a whole different matter. If someone wants to carry around a whole bunch of cash, then they must be a criminal, right? Apparently that's the way the law sees it.

Snoop Dogg had the money on him because it was his pay for performances he had just done in Europe. The Italian authorities gave Snoop half of the money and kept the other half until it is determined how much his fine is going to be. They will return the rest, minus the fine amount, at a later date. What a scam and a bunch of bologna.

Yahoo! News 

High There! Dating App For Marijuana Users

He is definitely a "Todd."

It seems like nowadays you can't go more than two minutes without hearing about marijuana on the television or reading something about it online. And now, there's an dating app for marijuana users called High There! 

If I knew how to make an app, I would make one for people who don't smoke weed. Sorry, I just can't stand the smell of burning refers. I do, however, think it smells good before it's burnt to a crisp.

The blog from highthere.com quotes somebody (it isn't made clear who) as saying: 

"I was tired of failed dates due to my cannabis use. So, once High There! was up and running, I dated using High There! It was really an interesting and fun experience, much better than the other dating sites."

So, there it is and there you have it. If you are legally allowed to smoke weed because you have a prescription, then I suggest you head on over to highthereapp.com

I can imagine many of the first dates that result from this app going like this: 

"What were we just talking about? It was so cool. Damn, I smoke too much," said the girl.

"Me, too!" her date agreed. They laugh and then he says. "It's so cool, a chick that smokes as much weed as me! I love you." 

 

Female Canadian Singer Alysha Brilla Stopped By A Male Cop While Riding Bike Topless

She doesn't always go topless

Alysha Mohamed, who most people call Alysha Brilla, is a Canadian singer who can and will fight for her right to go topless in public.

Brilla and her two sisters were riding their bicycles topless on Friday night in Kitchener, Waterloo Ontario and having a good time. But that good time was soured by a male cop who needs to study the law some more before he goes back out on his beat. The cop saw them riding their bikes naked from the waist up and did a quick U-turn in his SUV to go harass the young females.

"Ladies, you're going to need to put shirts on," said the clueless cop. That's when the talented and intelligent Brilla informed the cop that he needed to check himself before he wrecked himself something fierce. Brilla took out her phone and started recording the incident, and that's when the officer got served... something fierce. The singer asked the cop: "What are you stopping us for?" That's when Officer "Notsobright" made up something quick (but not good) and asked the womyn if they had lights on their bikes.

"He would've seen our lights shining on him and our helmets and everything," Brilla told CTV News from Canada.

The threesome of topless girls had been riding around like that for some time that night and had even stopped to talk to a female officer. The female officer must know her law book better than her male counterpart -- or, at the very least she knew that it was legal for any person to go topless in Ontario.

The women were not charged with anything, of course, and afterward they went to the police station to make a complaint about the officer. Police Staff Sgt., Mike Haffner, said that there were conflicting stories about what really happened. I'm sure the stories are conflicting. The officer probably told his boss a different story that wasn't the truth so he wouldn't look like an idiot.

The sisters said they are pondering filing a complaint with the Office of the Independent Police Review Director. I think they should. It would make at least one cop in Ontario do some studying and learn how to do his job better.

"On Saturday, August 1st, we invite all people of all genders to march with us revealing as much or as little of their torso as they feel comfortable (please wear sunscreen though) in solidarity to support women's right to be topless in public, and also to show support for desexualizing women's breasts."

This is where I say: "Excuse me? Come again?" I'm all for this topless rally and all that, but desexualizing women's breasts? That's one of the craziest things I've ever heard, and I've heard a thing or two in my day. And that is not just me being a male chauvinist. I know for a fact that countless women (straight, bi, lesbian, etc.) love "sexualizing" breasts all the time.

At the time of this posting, 455 people indicated that they will be going to this rally. And 153 folks are thinking about going. Everybody in Ontario should go show their support so Alysha Brilla will never again be stopped by a male cop while riding bike topless in Ontario.

Bare With Us 

Man Makes Emergency Call Because His Girlfriend Let The Cat Eat His Bacon

A British man from West Yorkshire called 999 (which is the United Kingdom's version of 911) because his girlfriend let their cat eat his bacon. That is a pretty serious crime, if you ask me. I don't know why the dispatcher didn't send a police unit or three over to the scene of the crime to arrest the woman. The cat doesn't know better, it just knows that when it's offered tasty food, it's going to eat it.

The man told the dispatcher that he wanted to press charges against the mean woman and the pussy cat. The emergency operator (it was a female, so maybe she was simply taking the woman's side)told the poor, hungry bloke: "Sir, it's not a criminal offense to let your cat eat your bacon. And we don't arrest cats."

Well, dispatcher lady, he didn't let the cat eat the bacon, someone else let the cat eat his bacon. So, there was a crime commited: She stole the bacon from him. Period. Just because she gave it to a cat afterwards doesn't mean that she didn't steal it in the first place. However, it is hard to prosecute without evidence, which the cat was probably more than happy to destroy. I love kitties.

via: Huffington Post

 

New Jersey Man Found $141k Left On Lawn by ATM Worker

A New Jersey man found $141k that was left on a lawn by an ATM worker, and now cops are studying the video as hard as they possibly can to find out who took the money.

The ATM worker who is responsible for leaving the $141k behind set the bag full of 10's and 20's on the curb while he was rearranging things in the back of the vehicle he was riding in.

"At some point the person who was supposed to have the bag realized that it wasn't in the car with him. But at that point, he was seven miles away and called back to the office to see if it was still curbside where he left it," said Mahwah, NJ policeman William Hunt.

The law states that if someone were to find something, such as $141k left behind by an ATM worker, that they are not allowed to just keep it. But, I say: loser's weepers, finder's keepers.

If the man who snatched the ATM money gets away with it, then he is a man who finally caught a break and is one lucky S.O.B.

Shia LaBeouf and Girlfriend, Mia Goth, Get Into Fight In Public

Shia LaBeouf (29) and his girlfriend, Mia Goth (22), got into a little fight in public on the streets of Germany. According to the German website, Purestars, Shia "Boofy LaBamba" LaBeouf had a boo-boo on his hand the next day and Mia Goth was sporting a shiner on her eye. I don't know what eye it was, her left or her right. Probably her left eye, if Shia is right-handed, as most people are. 

I hope the horror movie she is filming right now (as we speak) has her wearing a lot of blood and other horrible stuff on her mug to cover up the bruise. The bruise that is alleged for now until I see it up close.

The couple met when they were filming the movie Nymphomaniac. And, I just remembered that I have that movie on my Netflix list and I forgot to take a look at it. Mia Goth is pretty sexy; she would get it... hard.

So, if Mia Goth is upset about her little fight with Shia LaBeouf (he's not a good actor), then she can get a hold of me as soon as she gets back from Germany and we can talk about it. I will console her. I'm not going there to see her. I just got back from Long Island, I'm not in the mood to travel anymore.

Baseball Team Offers Apology After Corey Feldman Performs

A minor league baseball team from Pennsylvania has released an official apology for allowing a Corey Feldman song-and-dance performance after a baseball game.

The State College Spikes said (wrote): 

 

The State College Spikes would like to apologize to our fans for Corey Feldman’s appearance last night at Medlar Field at Lubrano Park. While the nature of the appearance was not what we had anticipated for the evening, we would like to apologize to all fans who may have been offended by its content. We would also like to apologize to our fans for the appearance being so far below expectations.

We at the Spikes thank you for your support, and we pledge to present the best entertainment each and every night for the remainder of the 2015 season and beyond.

The song or performance isn't offensive, but it is terrible and funky at the same time. He dances like Michael Jackson the whole while, which is worth watching... I guess. The crowd is half-stunned and trying to hold back laughter.

 

Man Calls 911, Asks Paramedics To Help Fix Air Conditioner

Knock, Knock, Who's There?

Travis Turner is a 26-year-old man from Indiana, PA who likes to call 911 for all the wrong reasons. His latest bunk phone call to 911 came this past Sunday when he called 911 complaining of chest pains. When the ambulance arrived, he asked the paramedics to help him fix his air conditioner. That's a sweet move, if I do say so myself. Turner was charged with obstructing emergency services and disorderly conduct.

According to the Associated Press, Mr. Turner has called 911 "or the state police 63 times in the last three years."

Turner's phone was finally shut off by the powers that be. Maybe they should have done that about 60 bogus phone calls ago.

 

Italian Mayor Bans Barking Dogs During Nap Time

The mayor of Controne, Italy has placed a ban on barking dogs between the hours of 2 p.m. and 4 p.m. so people can nap in peace. Nicola Pastore is a man who takes his town's nap time seriously, so he has created an ordinance that will fine the dogs' owners between 20 and 500 euros.

This is a great law. Barking dogs really annoy me and I'm a man who loves to get his "nap on." As a matter of fact, I'm going to move to this town right now. How long does it take to swim from New York to Italy? If anybody asks where I am, tell them I'm on my way to Controne to take a riposo.

Women Are Dying Their Armpit Hair

Free your pits, and the rest will follow

"Chi, chi, chi Chia." More like, "Chi, chi, chi, chill the heck out." Some women think it's empowering to dye their armpit hair (OK, if that small group of women say so, it must be universally true, even if the women who still haven't broken free from their oppressors don't believe it to be.)

The women of Free Your Pits said in an interview with a German newspaper called TAZ! that the movement "came to be, with the intention of normalizing the concept of natural body hair on a woman and celebrating our freedom of choice to do what we want with our bodies."

That's great. Even Miley Cyrus is dying her armpits in cool colors because she doesn't get enough attention by performing fellatio on male blow-up dolls on stage. So it must be cool if she is doing it, right? This is the part where I roll my eyes. [Rolls Them].

Hey, if a very small percentage of women like dying their arm pubes, cool, good for them... It is their freedom of choice like they stated. But, I think girls who use their freedom of choice to shave their armpits are prettier -- and more aerodynamic when fleeing whatever force is oppressing them today. But, that's just my opinion. You can say it's not a cool opinion if you want, because Free Your Pits is making sure that you have your freedom of choice. 

freeyourpits.com

Australian Surfer Fights Off Shark On Live TV (VINE)

This would have been even more exciting to see if you were watching this live on TV. But it's still a great vine anyway. Australian Pro Surfer Mick Fanning fought off a shark while competing in an Australian surfing contest. Who knows what was going through that sharks head. Maybe he was hungry or perhaps he's just a bully on his own turf. I'd like to see him go to Compton and try that. I like how the shark bops him in the head at the end of the VINE. It was probably unintentional and he was probably just trying to get away at that point. Sharks, and most humans, hate getting kicked in the nose.

 

Marijuana Breathalyer Will Hit the Market Sooner Rather Than Later

WRAP YOUR LIPS AROUND THIS!

Sorry, all you Smokey McTokertons out there, but companies are developing marijuana breathalyzers. And soon your favorite local police forces and employers will have them on hand. You know the cops can't wait to use these new gadgets once they get their hands on them; Cops love new gadgets and dohickeys, so chances are when you get pulled over and your eyes are all bloodshot and your car smells like marijuana, you're going to get busted.

A Canadian company called Cannabix (whose device is in the picture)already has a working prototype that is being tested to work out the kinks. There's also a Colorado (it figures) company called Lifeloc Tecnologies Inc. that is working on a pot breathalyzer. Lifeloc already makes alcohol breathalyzers, so it's no surprise that they jumped into the race to be the first to market. 

There are countless numbers of people who smoke weed and drive. I think the pot breathalyzer will only be a small deterrent when it comes to reducing the number of people driving while stoned. Most (but not all) marijuana puffers can drive OK after toking up, so it's not like the cops are going to suspect the drivers are high and pull them over for swerving. But, if you get pulled over for your license plate light being faulty, and they see that you look stoned, the cops are going to be overjoyed to make you blow on something.

The devices will cost about $3,000, so you and your buddies aren't going to be able to buy one to use just for fun. Besides, the breathalyzers are most likely only going to give a yes or no answer and won't be able to tell you your nanograms per milliliter count.

Arizona Cop, Doug Rose, Goes Into Womans House, Arrests Her While She's Naked

A Chandler, Arizona "peace" officer, Doug Rose, went into a woman's house and arrested her while she was wearing nothing but a towel. The woman, Esmerelda Rossi, was taking a shower when her daughter informed her that there were two policemen at the front door. Rossi went to the door to great the officers and then informed them that she had to go get her cell phone. She then closed the door on them. It's obvious that her closing the door in Rose's face made him very upset. He's a cop and he should be shown total respect at all times. Yeah, right. Police officers think that this is the way it should be. When something happens that doesn't make their pretty little universe rotate quite right, they blow a fuse. Probably a 50-Amp one, at that.

After closing her front door, she walked through the house to get her cell phone when she heard the cops let themselves into her house; She started freaking out. She started to record the "home invasion" with her phone and so did her teenage daughter. Officer Rose saw that she had just gotten out of the shower and was only wearing a towel, but he handcuffed her anyway. When her towel fell off, he started to act stunned that she had no clothes on underneath the towel. He's not a very good thespian. 

Rose lectured her for about 20 minutes(you know how cops always use the big, bad, cool, know-it-all tone like they're intelligent or something)and told her that cops are always in charge and it doesn't matter if she is in her own home or not.

The police never arrested her, nor did they submit a bodycam video or fill out an incident report like they are supposed to.

Rossi is filing a lawsuit against the police and Mr. Rose retired with his pension during the investigation. I think his pension should be put on hold until the investigation is complete. But, of course, he will keep collecting. Perhaps when Rossi wins the lawsuit Rose will lose his pension, but that probably won't happen, either. That would be sweet justice, let me tell you.

Rossi is going to be rich. It must be nice. Why can't I ever luck into something like this happening to me? [Sigh.] Some people have all the luck.

Video of Doug Rose incident 

Prison Footage of El Chapo Escaping a Mexican Prison

Here is the very unexciting surveillance footage of Joaquin "El Chapo" Guzman escaping from his Mexican prison cell. The camera can't see the shower area of his cell, so that is where he dug his tunnel. If security guards were watching his cell, they would simply think that he was taking a shower. "Hey, Chapo, what's taking you so long to shower? Are you spanking it in there?"

Utah Man Puts Hot Sauce On Girlfriend, Tries to Cook Her In Oven

"Do I have any hot sauce in my beard?

A Utah man, whom the government calls Joseph Anthony Castellanos, is in big trouble after allegedly dousing his girlfriend with hot sauce and ranch dressing before attempting to cook her in his oven. 

Everybody knows that blue cheese is the way to go when it comes to chowing down on some hot meat foodstuffs. But, whatever, I'm not going to tell a man how to season his girlfriend before he eats her. I don't even have a girlfriend and I hate cooking, so who am I to critique.

The word on the street is that Mr. Castellanos was upset with his girlfriend for not coming to visit him at work. That's a strange thing to get upset over, unless he forgot his lunch and politely asked her to bring him a sandwich and a cup of noodles.
While at the homestead that Mr. Castellanos and his girlfriend were sharing, the 31-year-old man allegedly punched, stabbed, kicked, and held the female against her will for hours. When he was finished with the aforementioned activities, Castellanos tried to shove her into the oven, but only managed to get her legs into the appliance.

There is no word about whether the oven was even turned on, and if it was, what temperature did he plan on cooking her at.

Woman Plans On Having Jesus Pay Her Bill

Can you pay my bills, pay my automo-bills?

A Myrtle Beach(that's in South Carolina)woman went to a restaurant Sunday night and pigged out for four hours, but when it came time to pay the bill, April Lee Yates (51)just sat there refusing to leave because she didn't have any money.

When the police arrived and asked her how she planned on paying if she didn't have any money, she told an officer of the law that "Jesus" was going to pay the $26 bill for her. That would be great. Who is this Jesus guy? He must be loaded. I wonder if she got the idea from that downright awful country song, "Jesus Take the Wheel."

Yates was arrested for defrauding a restaurant and taken straight to jail. They did pass "Go" on the way, but she was unable to collect the $200.

Recycle Urine to Fertilize Barley For Beer

No, I don't want to play swords. Get away from me!

A Northern European music festival, Roskilde, is teaming up with the Danish Agriculture and Food Council to recycle urine from 100,000 people (give or take a few)to fertilize barley crops for beer. The program expects to make 425 kegs of beer which will then be sold at the Roskilde music festival in 2017.

I don't want any part of that. And I don't really care if urine is rich in nitrogen, phosphorus, and potassium. No, sir, I don't. My fellow Americans, I'm pretty damn sure, aren't down with this kind of sickness either.

Scientists who are involved with this whole "Piss to Pilsner" debacle are saying that urine is pretty sanitary when leaving the body. That may be the case, but I don't want it back in my body via barley, cup, or funnel.

Piss to Pilsner

Man Arrested for Driving Ice Cream "Truck" While Drunk

Plymouth Voyager Ice Cream Trucks Rule!

An Oregon man was busted for driving drunk while peddling ice cream out of his ice cream "truck." As you can see, it's not really an ice cream truck, it's an ice cream minivan. Don't judge him. You don't have an ice cream truck, either. So, shut up.

Noe Andrade-Silva was seen doing a terrible job of driving in his ice cream minivan and that prompted a witness to get on the horn and turn him in. The witness said that he saw the entrepreneur turn into oncoming traffic and crash into the curb twice.

Sergeant Bob Ray said the minivan was released to Silva's wife on its on recognizances so that the ice cream wouldn't melt.

Silva was released from custody and is due in court on July 21.

 

Brand New Star Wars Behind The Scenes Footage From Comic Con

Such a handsome couple, don't you agree?

There won't be an official trailer released for the new Star Wars movie until some time this fall, but this behind-the-scenes footage that was shown at Comic Con should surely whet the appetite of Star Wars fans young and old. The movie is set to be released December 18, 2015.



 

Limberbutt McCubbins For President 2016

A Kitty With Family Values

There's a new cat in town (in Louisville, Kentucky) and he is running for President of the United States of America, Earth. Limberbutt McCubbins is the cat that can change this country. There has never been a President who was born in Kentucky, but if America votes responsibly, McCuddins will be the first!

This cat is my "dawg," son. Limberbutt McCuddins is the best man for the job of President. Do you think Hilary Clinton would do a good job if she was calling the shots in this country again? What, you think Bill was calling the shots? I don't think so. His only shots were of a different nature, if you know what I mean. 

What about Donnie Trump? He would suck as the leader of my favorite country. How many times has that guy gone bankrupt? Too many, that's how many. Mr Trump would do the same thing to this great country of yours. Donald Trump is a terrible business man. He would be nothing if his father wasn't super rich and gave him a bunch of money to start out with... and he still kept messing up his finances; don't let him do that to America's economy. 

Vote with your heart, vote with your brain, Limberbutt McCuddins will right this ship again!

Limberbutt 2016 Website 

Former Miss Nevada Arrested for Trafficking Meth

The former Miss Nevada, Katherine Rees, who was stripped of her title by Donald Trump for showing her sexy things in public, was charged on four counts involving crystal meth earlier this week in Las Vegas. You know how police are, you do one thing wrong and you get multiple charges with various wording to each. It's all a bunch of crap in order to earn more money for the government and to make the police feel like they're the coolest dudes in the world.

The charges stem from an September incident in which Ms. Rees traded some dude named "J. Peacock" some meth for cash money. About a month later, Rees was busted for having 5.3 grams of meth on her person. That's cop talk. You like that? It will probably never matter to you, but in Las Vegas crystal meth is only called "meth" by police and news reporters. The people on the street call it "speed," "go fast," or "shit," but never meth, unless you want to get beat up for acting like you're an undercover cop.

Rees was stopped in Australia in 2009 at a security check point where her purse and laptop tested positive for trace amounts of meth and cocaine. She was released because she was carrying nothing "on her person."

She said, "I'm from Las Vegas, so you never know the heck's going to be around out there. And I thank gosh that I don't have anything on me, because I don't do any sort of illegal activity, but Las Vegas apparently does."

Yes, of course, Las Vegas is a bad girl. She does all sorts of illegal activities. My mother lives in Las Vegas, but I'm sure there aren't any trace amounts of drugs on any of her belongings... or on her person or her personal effects. [More cop talk].

I Don't Need Life

Why would you "need life" when you're blitzed on drugs? Amen, brother... Amen.

 

Mexican Woman Jailed For Refusing To Do Laundry For Husband

Like Paul McCartney said: "When you got a job to do, you got to do it well." Apparently Dulce Requena Garcia, 21, from Tampico, Mexico has never heard that song. 

Edgar Ivan Perez Alvarado, 26, came home from a "hard" day of work driving a truck and was dismayed to discover that he didn't have any nice clean clothes to change into. He told his wife that she needed to wash him a spiffy outfit so he could go hang out with his amigos, but she refused. She complained that she wasn't feeling well, and not only that, she "knew" that he was going to visit his mistress, not his friends. Can you believe the nerve of that woman? When your Mexican trucker husband tells you to wash his clothes, you better do it! He's got places to go and ladies to do!

Edgar phoned police and told them about his wife's insubordination and they promptly arrived at their house to arrest her for disturbing the peace. Mr. Alvarado told police that his wife wasn't doing her job of being a housekeeper and mother to their three children and that she had spent all day lying in bed.

Garcia was fined the equivalent of $25, but her husband refused to pay it to teach her a lesson. A judge sentenced her to spend 12 hours in jail.

 

Dad Catches on Video Daughter Taking Selfies

Everybody looks like a fool taking selfies, and a video that a father took of his daughter is the perfect learning tool to show everybody what they look like while taking selfies. Yes, this is how all of you look.

Tyga Cheating On Kylie Jenner With Transexual?

If it's true that the "rapper" Tyga is cheating on Kylie Jenner with transsexual model Mia Isabella, than he's officially "insane in the membrane." I have seen pictures of Kylie Jenner, and so have you, and we all know that she is the most-attractive of all the female Jenners. Yes, she's even prettier than Bruce-Caitlyn, and that's a fact, no matter what the media is trying to make you liberals believe. When I see Caitlyn out on the street, I address that person like: "Yo, 'CJ,' what's up, dawg?" And then we chat about golf, hot chicks, cars, etc.

Check out the gory details (pics and screen shots of Tyga's alleged conversations with the transsexual) at the link below by following a link from the link I posted.

http://www.celebuzz.com/2015-07-07/tyga-kylie-jenner-cheating-nudes-dick-pics/ 

Tyga must think she's too pretty for him

 

Detroit Police Shoots Man In The Butt, Tore Him A New Hole

To Show Off and Serve

Assistant Detroit Police Chief Steve Dolunt is a very intelligent man, I'm sure. You have to be very intelligent to be a policeman, as evidenced by Dolunt's remark after a man was shot in the buttocks by one of his coolest officers rocking the plainclothes look. Dolunt said he didn't know if the suspect that the copper shot in the ass had his back turned to the officers when he was shot.

No, I don't think he had his back turned to the officer either! The bullet probably went around the corner, did a moonwalk, and then came back the other way and hit the armed suspect in the buttock. 

The cops went after the man because they (while not minding their own business) thought they observed the poor guy hanging around the vicinity of drugs and money. And we all know that drugs and money are super bad. You know who has a lot of drugs and money? Pharmacists. Maybe we should start staring at them in public. 

North Dakota Man's Two-Word Obituary

A North Dakota man, Douglas Legler, was a big fan of keeping it brief. Actions often speak louder than words.

 

"The Walking Dead" the Cruise?

...and it's about to set sail. Dead Shack baby. The Walking Dead is a behemoth brand when it comes to selling whatever, whenever, to whomever. And now there is going to be a Walking Dead cruise to suck on your brains wallets. But, of course, it will all be worth it because you will see at least more than one or maybe 12 of your favorite thespians from the program.

But that's not all, folks. You will sail in the waters that are close to the land in the Bahamas! Does it really matter where it goes (as long as the weather is nice) if you're only going to be on the ocean anyway? No.

If you love the show and you have any money left over from your zombie apocalypse preparedness endeavors and you know how to get to Miami to board their gigantic boat, you're going to have a good time. But more important than that, you can take thousands of photographs to show your friends on Farcebook that you're having a groovy time; that's more important than actually enjoying yourself. How much can you really enjoy yourself if you're taking pictures the whole time? If you love taking photos, you're good to go.

Prices have not been announced yet, because if you have to ask, you can't afford it. "It" being making all your poor friends super jealous.

Click the link for the trailer, because I can't send it to you as a mailer.

Floating Dead Trailer 

 

Man Punches Defense Lawyer In Face After Not Guilty Verdict

You want a piece of me?

Alejandro Morales, 30, thought that he would be able to go home after he was declared not guilty due to the fact that he is mentally defective, but he was sentenced to spend the rest of his life in a mental hospital. This angered Mr. Morales something fierce, so he punched his defense attorney, Fred Sosinsky, right in the face.

Mr. Morales was on trial for stabbing his 9-year-old cousin to death over an Xbox game in 2010. I feel sorry for the first person to beat this guy at checkers in the mental hospital.